Response to Sammi from Beauty Crush's latest video - Did You Get A Boob Job?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HtwaZOELn0

This is literally me, minus the size. I thought that I was the only one. I thought that I was being silly. I thought that I was making a big thing out of nothing. I thought that I was being stupid. I thought that I could do nothing about it. I thought that I was a freak. I thought that I was going to be alone. I thought and I thought and I thought until I thinking wasn’t even a thing anymore. I over thought. I googled. I researched. I self diagnosed. I cried. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole so many times. At swimming I constantly go back into the changing rooms and **adjust** so that I don’t look like a freak.

#boobs, #surgery, #worried, #future, #save me, #not the only one, #thank god for that, #beautycrush, #samanthasmaria, #sammi maria

Food

Short blog post!

Since being back at school, I've noticed that I've started comfort eating again. I'm such a big emotional eater, I always have been, and that needs to stop.

I've decided that I'm going to keep a food diary, because it'll make me feel guilty and stop me from doing it. Also, with anything that I do feel guilty about, I'm going to write why I ate it.

Bitch, I'm getting my life sorted!

I'll keep you posted,

Hannah

First Day Back

Urgh, how I hate that place.

My form tutor told us that he got Calvin Klein boxers for Christmas, why thank you for the insight to your underwear drawer.

Lining up for English, my assistant head of year told me that I needed to go and see Mrs Sweeney, the deputy head's assistant. I got there and I was like, "wtf, what have I done wrong?" I went in and she started talking about the counselling service that the school offers *polite nod of the head* and then she said that I'd been put forward for counselling or some shit and I just thought, I'm going to kill whoever's idea this was. So Friday, 11.30, (during Spanish D: ) I have to go and see Julie, Leah and Rachel said she's a bitch but Milly really likes her so...

I was all pissy in English, and wrote hardly anything and when he said that I hadn't wrote enough and I asked him a question and didn't reply I said, "well fuck you then" and Melissa laughed her arse off!. Then physics was funny talking about penetration and yeast infections from alpha radiation. BTEC Sport, average, no real laughs, English again, pissy again, he's going through his mid life crisis and it's really beginning to piss me off.

In form, I was practically falling asleep and Mr Spencer decided to come in. Towards the end, my hair was really annoying me so I went over to the cabinet on the wall with glass panes. I use it as a mirror. I was getting really annoyed with everyone telling me to sit down, I'm sorry but I'm having a hair crisis, please sod off. Chemistry last, biggest pile of bollocks I've ever heard, and I don't like him. Dom said that he was trying to fuck with her brain, he heard her and it was the funniest thing ever!

Incidents

I'm scared to leave the house. I'm scared to go out anywhere alone or not, it scares me. I'm scared, and it's pathetic really, because of men. Perverted men. Men who make comments on me, or smile at me. That probably sounds really silly, like "blokes are smiling at you, what's wrong with that?" but it scares me.

Some people say any attention is good attention. I disagree with this. I never seeked this attention. I never went looking for this attention. I didn't ask for it, it just happened.

The first time was in Tesco, I wore a  pink jumper, which wasn't low cut, and a black skater skirt with black tights. Neither my bum nor my boobs were out so I really don't understand why this old, perverted man who looked homeless had to put on what I'm calling "the perverted voice". It's a deep, disgusting voice. By no means did he say anything nasty, he merely said the word beautiful, but it scared me. Later on when it got to paying for our goods, I stopped my mum from going in the same queue as him. It made me feel sick to my stomach that he felt it necessary to say that.

On Friday, we went to Milton Keynes, and I went to the toilet, alone. On my way there, I walked past a man who smiled at me. Once again, you may be thinking "wtf Hannah?" but this was no ordinary smile, this was a pervert smile, and once again, it scared me. I was wearing two pair of leggings, a lace top covered by a denim shirt. Once again, neither my boobs nor my bum were on show yet this man felt the need to smile at me, and make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. For the remainder of my walk around Milton Keynes I concealed my chest with my coat. After I'd finished using the toilet, I couldn't open the cubical door. Instead, I leant against the side of the cubical and began crying, and I had a panic attack. I felt so bad, I felt as though I was at fault for these men's actions, as though I'd asked for it. I hadn't but I still felt that it was my fault.

I'm scared to go out in case something like this happens again.

Company Name

I'm struggling so much to think of a name for my Facebook page. If I call it "Hannah Carter Photography", that's so unoriginal and dull. I also want it to mean something.

It's so difficult!